hey all. so i kinda realized i hadn't posted in a while. and felt bad. my life's just been kind of crazy lately and haven't had the time to post, or the internet access to do so.
sooo, this is just a quick entry before i hit the hay. thank you meds for helping me pass out. i would just like to thank everyone for reading, all of my friends for being amazing and being there for me and also my family and therapist. i couldn't do any of this without you. you make life bearable and much more enjoyable.. i'd also like to thank my meds. i've always been against them, but the fact remains that they are helping me at the present moment and i couldnt be more thankful and trying to help myself in bettering my mental health. it is a slow process, but i think sticking to taking my meds every day is a step in the right direction.
and it is paying off. anti-anxiety meds mellow out my moods every single day to the point where i can function and actually excel and live.. as opposed to just struggling to get by. everyday shouldn't suck, everyday shouldn't be the struggle it has been. i want to enjoy everyday. i want to enjoy my friends. i want to enjoy my work and my coworkers. i do, but when my anxiety flares it prevents me from doing so. it's the saddest thing and makes me want to cry.. i want to be the best person i can be, and the best lauren i can be.. so if it means to sticking to meds, then i will. if it means truly helping myself for the first time, then i will. if it means actually making it back to school, doing well and succeeding in my schoolwork and social life, then i will do everything in my power to make this happen.
everything was a joke before. i never took any of this seriously. i saw myself as different from everyone else so i treated myself like that. i let myself get away with things i shouldn't have. and im paying for this. in recovering im also discovering bad habits, bad patterns, fuckups, hidden stereotypes, etc. but i think in time, once im settled, im better and i can function as a healthy individual, i can then address those concerns. right now its getting back on track, so work and saving money, spending time with family and friends, having a kickass summer, get my head on straight and making it back to school. im not a fucking quitter.. and im not about to let anxiety make me avoid school. i love st. lawrence and everyone there, and the fact that my anxiety made me unhappy to be there and around people was the worst thing in the world.. i hope going back i can truly enjoy myself, school work and my amazing friends.
the best part about this journey is nothing is set in stone. i thought that anxiety was a permanent fixture in my life. it RUINED my life for over a year. it made me into someone i wasn't. someone i didnt like. someone who barely spoke, who wasn't herself and didnt enjoy life and what it had to offer. the fact that i AM dealing with my anxiety in a healthy way and i can manage my life and function is such a huge step for me. the fact i dont have to worry all the time, i dont have to focus on the small things, i have some aid in helping me do things that drove me up the wall before. the anxiety may rise in my chest, but the meds and self-talk push it back down. it's so beautiful i could cry. i know no one probably understands exactly how i feel or what im talking about, but the fact that i think life is turning around is amazing. a few weeks ago i would've said, what? never.. this misery ive been dealing with is permanent. fuck that. im not spending 80 years miserable around people i used to enjoy and people i love.
this was supposed to be a tiny post! but i ended writing a ton. and im glad... i had a ton to say. ive had a lot on my mind. and a lot of feelings. now that im not feeling overwhelming anxiety, im feeling so much and its amazing. i could cry for joy, and i will. but maybe when im in bed.. lol
i would just like to end with: i can enjoy things again. im actually living life. instead of sliding by and not even living my life, im an active participant in it and enjoying it. the fact i legit say im HAPPY and i LOOK FORWARD TO THINGS is amazing. when all i could do before was dread things and feel anxious for them to come at me. all i can say, i hope things go up from here, i hope that this has been the learning experience of a lifetime and that i can continue to enjoy my life because thats what its all about.. living a life worth living and being happy. it's a slow process as i said, but i'm on my way finally!!! and sure, there will be dips.. there will be bumps along the road, but im confident that im on the right path.
this weekend alone was proof of that and was the best thing for me. ill get into it in another post, since ive been writing like a madwoman, but its a good cure. my anxiety peaked at times.. fucking tons of people at graduation. but being tested around people, especially people i love, who are sometimes the worst to be around for my anxiety, was the best thing that could've happened. i wasn't 100% but i did it and im glad i did. i surpassed my expectations, had a good time and saw some people that i absolutely love. but more on that laaater.. and probably randa's b-day. that was a good day too :)
yeah, sorry for rambling! but at least its something to read. more later.
peace love and balance
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
the problem with happiness
i think im having issues for a number of reasons. i dont feel like im doing something meaningful. when i was at st.lawrence i was totally immersed in school and felt good getting amazing grades. i also did volunteer work there, worked and chilled with friends. i actually felt like i was doing something, like i was moving forward in life.
right now i feel really stagnant, and i think this is what is contributing to my misery. im just doing the same things over and over again. sure, i have new friends but i feel like im lacking in the bigger picture. i wanna do something bigger than me, i dont want my anxiety to hold me back like it has been for the past year. i dont want any further fear to keep me from doing stuff i love.
i think i need to do something meaningful. it'll help to keep holding onto something thats outside myself that i'm helping to make better. whether this is volunteering with kids, which is what i wanna do or something! anything. im just so sick of my place in the world. i cant wait for double h. i would like to be a counselor there this summer.. and i hope i can make this happen. i also think going to rochester will help. it will suck leaving people behind for a while. but i need change and being surrounded by my family in a familiar, yet still new, setting will help. it'll motivate to get a new job and not sit around, surround myself with people i love and go out and meet new people on my own. i just wanna make this all worth it, ya know?
i refuse to wallow in my own misery. i've got to do something about it. four winds, and then im off.
peace love and balance
right now i feel really stagnant, and i think this is what is contributing to my misery. im just doing the same things over and over again. sure, i have new friends but i feel like im lacking in the bigger picture. i wanna do something bigger than me, i dont want my anxiety to hold me back like it has been for the past year. i dont want any further fear to keep me from doing stuff i love.
i think i need to do something meaningful. it'll help to keep holding onto something thats outside myself that i'm helping to make better. whether this is volunteering with kids, which is what i wanna do or something! anything. im just so sick of my place in the world. i cant wait for double h. i would like to be a counselor there this summer.. and i hope i can make this happen. i also think going to rochester will help. it will suck leaving people behind for a while. but i need change and being surrounded by my family in a familiar, yet still new, setting will help. it'll motivate to get a new job and not sit around, surround myself with people i love and go out and meet new people on my own. i just wanna make this all worth it, ya know?
i refuse to wallow in my own misery. i've got to do something about it. four winds, and then im off.
peace love and balance
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
going along
so ive started and restarted this entry a dozen times. not knowing how to begin and not knowing what to say. i kinda hit writer's block sometimes. its not that i dont know what to say, its i dont know how to say it. i guess i just need to hit that writer's high and then im good.
another welcome to all my readers! or lack there of. i appreciate you sticking with me and reading about my journey through the hell that seems to be my life sometimes. i originally planned on writing in this every night just to get out the day's feelings and thoughts. but as you've seen, i forget. or sometimes i just feel like i cant write. once i get going tho... boy, keep me away. i dont think i could stop. so hopefully ill post as often as i can and i dont bore anyone too much. im sure as my life gets better in terms of mental health and stress, that ill be writing less frequently. thats a good thing, right?
so i guess i forgot something. i was on such a high last time i wrote that i forgot with the good comes the bad. i was so euphoric and on top of the world that i forgot some days aren't so good. i guess this is an important thing to keep in mind regarding life and my mental health in general. otherwise ill just feel like a screwup everytime i have an awful day.
this day hasn't been bad though, it's simply there. i guess in my boredom ive deemed it an awful day. ive just gotten so used to being busy, busy all the time and doing things. i like having a full schedule. its dealing with the anxiety this creates that's the problem. and then if im not busy i feel useless and like im doing something wrong. i really need to strike a good balance between over-the-top stressed and bum-who-lays-in-bed. i need to work on that.
i am proud though. im taking my meds, as much as i may grumble as i do it. i did get up and i went to work. i didnt want to and didnt feel like it, but i went anyways. thats what matters, right? i also made two important phone calls and set up appts. its kinda funny how you grow up without realizing it, become an adult and then one day it hits you. just weird i guess when you realize you're doing the things your mom used to do for it. besides clean your diaper..
so, i guess the moral of this story is: every day is different and because i have one slow or bad day, doesn't mean im off track or that my life sucks. i just need to go with the flow and let go of the dramatics.
i also feel like i was getting to something, but now i cant remember. damn short-term memory issues... ah, yeah! so for anyone who doesn't know, im thinking about putting myself into Four Winds. it's a mental health place and id plan on doing 6 weeks of in-patient work. that would mean 9-5 monday through friday mental health work that would be good for me, but also kill me in the process. the one thing i hate is talking about my mental health, so to be doing it all day for 6 weeks would be torture. but it is something i need. they'd teach me the skills i need to cope with the conditions life have given me. so i guess my issue is trying to schedule work and my social life around this program. i would either start now and would have to bail on work or id start at the beginning of june. im searching for the answer, but im coming up blank. on one hand i need to do this and soon, for my sake, but on the other hand i feel bad copping out of work when i finally feel steady and stable enough to make good on my promise through the end of may. its just frustrating and its a tough decision i need to make.
theres also the decision of what im doing with the rest of my summer! whether its living with marie in rochester and getting a job out there or staying here and working still.. but thats a discussion for another entry. my hands already feel like they'll fall off and my quesadilla is getting cold
maybe ill write later if im in the mood? now time to read
peace love and balance
another welcome to all my readers! or lack there of. i appreciate you sticking with me and reading about my journey through the hell that seems to be my life sometimes. i originally planned on writing in this every night just to get out the day's feelings and thoughts. but as you've seen, i forget. or sometimes i just feel like i cant write. once i get going tho... boy, keep me away. i dont think i could stop. so hopefully ill post as often as i can and i dont bore anyone too much. im sure as my life gets better in terms of mental health and stress, that ill be writing less frequently. thats a good thing, right?
so i guess i forgot something. i was on such a high last time i wrote that i forgot with the good comes the bad. i was so euphoric and on top of the world that i forgot some days aren't so good. i guess this is an important thing to keep in mind regarding life and my mental health in general. otherwise ill just feel like a screwup everytime i have an awful day.
this day hasn't been bad though, it's simply there. i guess in my boredom ive deemed it an awful day. ive just gotten so used to being busy, busy all the time and doing things. i like having a full schedule. its dealing with the anxiety this creates that's the problem. and then if im not busy i feel useless and like im doing something wrong. i really need to strike a good balance between over-the-top stressed and bum-who-lays-in-bed. i need to work on that.
i am proud though. im taking my meds, as much as i may grumble as i do it. i did get up and i went to work. i didnt want to and didnt feel like it, but i went anyways. thats what matters, right? i also made two important phone calls and set up appts. its kinda funny how you grow up without realizing it, become an adult and then one day it hits you. just weird i guess when you realize you're doing the things your mom used to do for it. besides clean your diaper..
so, i guess the moral of this story is: every day is different and because i have one slow or bad day, doesn't mean im off track or that my life sucks. i just need to go with the flow and let go of the dramatics.
i also feel like i was getting to something, but now i cant remember. damn short-term memory issues... ah, yeah! so for anyone who doesn't know, im thinking about putting myself into Four Winds. it's a mental health place and id plan on doing 6 weeks of in-patient work. that would mean 9-5 monday through friday mental health work that would be good for me, but also kill me in the process. the one thing i hate is talking about my mental health, so to be doing it all day for 6 weeks would be torture. but it is something i need. they'd teach me the skills i need to cope with the conditions life have given me. so i guess my issue is trying to schedule work and my social life around this program. i would either start now and would have to bail on work or id start at the beginning of june. im searching for the answer, but im coming up blank. on one hand i need to do this and soon, for my sake, but on the other hand i feel bad copping out of work when i finally feel steady and stable enough to make good on my promise through the end of may. its just frustrating and its a tough decision i need to make.
theres also the decision of what im doing with the rest of my summer! whether its living with marie in rochester and getting a job out there or staying here and working still.. but thats a discussion for another entry. my hands already feel like they'll fall off and my quesadilla is getting cold
maybe ill write later if im in the mood? now time to read
peace love and balance
Sunday, May 9, 2010
the beginning
so this is my new blog. it's for me and for everyone or anyone who wants to follow me through my journey of anxiety and depression. mainly it's for me to voice myself, my worries, my thoughts, my opinions and also the status and update of my once deteriorating mental health... which i do hope is back on track. so join me if you want. like i said, this is most definitely for my friends as well. i welcome them to read this as i know im not always the most forth-coming person and don't always say whats on my mind or how im feeling... hopefully some of this will clear that up and i can better express myself and how i feel. i dont want to leave you guys out of the dark any longer. you know, funny as it is, it feels much better having the support and having people know.. when before it all seemed like a secret and i wanted it to be that way. it's much easier this way... funny how that happens.
but anywho... welcome! please please stay with me. and i hope i don't forget about this and keep updating. i have the awful habit of forgetting to write in these things after the first entry.. motivation people, motivation! maybe post-its would help.. but yeah, i'll eventually get around to writing down my entire history with my depression and anxiety, but for now it's a welcome... and just a general post on how i'm feeling at the very moment.
life is fucking terrific. i forgot how wonderful it can feel to be alive, to breathe air, to have great friends and family and to actually ENJOY. to be happy, to have feelings, to feel free yet again. it's so nice and such a heavy weight off my chest. not to feel so restricted anymore, not feel so coiled up and ready to boil over. it's just so nice to breathe.
i guess it's kinda hard to describe the feeling without knowing it yourself. it's like feeling stuck underwater for months and months and suddenly emerging and drawing your first breath. it's beautiful and feels so good you could cry. for the first time in over a year or so i feel like i can breathe, i feel like im living and thriving... instead of "functioning" or just getting by. anxiety will do that to you... it kills you. it kills your motivation, your feelings, your life, your goals, everything you're striven for. i gave a fuck about nothing because nothing felt good anymore, nothing made me happy, i didn't enjoy ANYTHING. but now that everything's beautiful and i can laugh and smile, life is terrific.
i'm not one to advertise drugs. and i don't want to speak so soon... but antianxiety meds are saving my life. they're a beautiful thing. i hate meds and hate taking them. but they are giving me a second chance. instead of coiled up inside my chest, i feel free, motivated, happy and wanting to really live and experience things. i want to make new friends, enjoy the ones i have now, love my family, get a great boyfriend and just fucking breathe. enjoying a nice sunset is cool too. anywaysss.
im really a sap and not to be overdramatic, but thats how im feeling. kinda like a rebirth of sorts. it takes you to hell and back to get to a better place, to know where you're going and to find out who you are. and you know, it has sucked, but i'm kinda glad i got to go there... here's to never going back! and pushing on
peace love and balance
but anywho... welcome! please please stay with me. and i hope i don't forget about this and keep updating. i have the awful habit of forgetting to write in these things after the first entry.. motivation people, motivation! maybe post-its would help.. but yeah, i'll eventually get around to writing down my entire history with my depression and anxiety, but for now it's a welcome... and just a general post on how i'm feeling at the very moment.
life is fucking terrific. i forgot how wonderful it can feel to be alive, to breathe air, to have great friends and family and to actually ENJOY. to be happy, to have feelings, to feel free yet again. it's so nice and such a heavy weight off my chest. not to feel so restricted anymore, not feel so coiled up and ready to boil over. it's just so nice to breathe.
i guess it's kinda hard to describe the feeling without knowing it yourself. it's like feeling stuck underwater for months and months and suddenly emerging and drawing your first breath. it's beautiful and feels so good you could cry. for the first time in over a year or so i feel like i can breathe, i feel like im living and thriving... instead of "functioning" or just getting by. anxiety will do that to you... it kills you. it kills your motivation, your feelings, your life, your goals, everything you're striven for. i gave a fuck about nothing because nothing felt good anymore, nothing made me happy, i didn't enjoy ANYTHING. but now that everything's beautiful and i can laugh and smile, life is terrific.
i'm not one to advertise drugs. and i don't want to speak so soon... but antianxiety meds are saving my life. they're a beautiful thing. i hate meds and hate taking them. but they are giving me a second chance. instead of coiled up inside my chest, i feel free, motivated, happy and wanting to really live and experience things. i want to make new friends, enjoy the ones i have now, love my family, get a great boyfriend and just fucking breathe. enjoying a nice sunset is cool too. anywaysss.
im really a sap and not to be overdramatic, but thats how im feeling. kinda like a rebirth of sorts. it takes you to hell and back to get to a better place, to know where you're going and to find out who you are. and you know, it has sucked, but i'm kinda glad i got to go there... here's to never going back! and pushing on
peace love and balance
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