going along

so ive started and restarted this entry a dozen times. not knowing how to begin and not knowing what to say. i kinda hit writer's block sometimes. its not that i dont know what to say, its i dont know how to say it. i guess i just need to hit that writer's high and then im good.

another welcome to all my readers! or lack there of. i appreciate you sticking with me and reading about my journey through the hell that seems to be my life sometimes. i originally planned on writing in this every night just to get out the day's feelings and thoughts. but as you've seen, i forget. or sometimes i just feel like i cant write. once i get going tho... boy, keep me away. i dont think i could stop. so hopefully ill post as often as i can and i dont bore anyone too much. im sure as my life gets better in terms of mental health and stress, that ill be writing less frequently. thats a good thing, right?

so i guess i forgot something. i was on such a high last time i wrote that i forgot with the good comes the bad. i was so euphoric and on top of the world that i forgot some days aren't so good. i guess this is an important thing to keep in mind regarding life and my mental health in general. otherwise ill just feel like a screwup everytime i have an awful day.

this day hasn't been bad though, it's simply there. i guess in my boredom ive deemed it an awful day. ive just gotten so used to being busy, busy all the time and doing things. i like having a full schedule. its dealing with the anxiety this creates that's the problem. and then if im not busy i feel useless and like im doing something wrong. i really need to strike a good balance between over-the-top stressed and bum-who-lays-in-bed. i need to work on that.

i am proud though. im taking my meds, as much as i may grumble as i do it. i did get up and i went to work. i didnt want to and didnt feel like it, but i went anyways. thats what matters, right? i also made two important phone calls and set up appts. its kinda funny how you grow up without realizing it, become an adult and then one day it hits you. just weird i guess when you realize you're doing the things your mom used to do for it. besides clean your diaper..

so, i guess the moral of this story is: every day is different and because i have one slow or bad day, doesn't mean im off track or that my life sucks. i just need to go with the flow and let go of the dramatics.

i also feel like i was getting to something, but now i cant remember. damn short-term memory issues... ah, yeah! so for anyone who doesn't know, im thinking about putting myself into Four Winds. it's a mental health place and id plan on doing 6 weeks of in-patient work. that would mean 9-5 monday through friday mental health work that would be good for me, but also kill me in the process. the one thing i hate is talking about my mental health, so to be doing it all day for 6 weeks would be torture. but it is something i need. they'd teach me the skills i need to cope with the conditions life have given me. so i guess my issue is trying to schedule work and my social life around this program. i would either start now and would have to bail on work or id start at the beginning of june. im searching for the answer, but im coming up blank. on one hand i need to do this and soon, for my sake, but on the other hand i feel bad copping out of work when i finally feel steady and stable enough to make good on my promise through the end of may. its just frustrating and its a tough decision i need to make.

theres also the decision of what im doing with the rest of my summer! whether its living with marie in rochester and getting a job out there or staying here and working still.. but thats a discussion for another entry. my hands already feel like they'll fall off and my quesadilla is getting cold

maybe ill write later if im in the mood? now time to read

peace love and balance