home away from home

sooo, it's been a while. i've kinda been slacking on my own blog. how sad is that? i guess it happens with my busy lifestyle, huh.

so if not everyone knows as of now, im away in rochester for 2 weeks. and im allowing myself to enjoy it fully. just 2 weeks to relax and have an actual summer for once. maybe not as exciting as i like it, but it'll do.

i feel i made a good transition and im just trying to think things out right now.

i have too much to write right now, but i just wanted to let you guys know im alive and well. and definitely getting the tan on. you wont even recognize me when i get back.

if you need me, text or call the cell


peace love and balance

dip it low and pick it up slow

i dont know how to actually get my feelings out at the moment. my mood's taken a turn for the worst, and when that happens.. i avoid, and i withdraw. so right now its so difficult to talk to anyone, it actually physically hurts. i hate these dips i go through. 4 days of highs, awesome times, and then like 2 days of depression. sometimes i wonder if im bi-polar with all this depression and anxiety going on.

im just stupid. i dont want to feel this and i want to ask myself whats wrong with me? nothing is though, right? i should accept my feelings, theyre a part of me. but they suck, really suck. i just feel like curling up into a ball and sleeping.. sleeping for a long time.

ill get out of this funk, its just suffering through it that sucks. maybe i could've prevented this. but it seems everytime this happens, its gotten easier to handle. maybe i am getting something out of my mental health shit...

i just really really wish it were easier. no anxiety, no depression, no hassle, an easy life.. why must no else suffer through what i am? it fucking sucks.

i want to exist without thinking all the time, without ruminating. without second-guessing and doubting. i want all the confidence in the world and the self-esteem to go with it. i want to be healed.

everything seemed so perfect last night. and now its slumped. i think i can pinpoint the trigger, it was hard to get away from it. i just know this too will pass. and this gives me hope. maybe some sleep and self-soothing tomorrow will help..

peace love and happiness

reality

i guess the reality of the situation is: people disappoint and so does life. and i never realized this up until a little while ago. im not sure if its because my expectations have been high lately. but man, its sucks. i guess aiming low and always being surprised worked in the past. it's failed me now. i feel utterly ridiculous right now. and i hope someone's reading this, and whoever it is is one of few people who have disappointed me..

not to say im not guilty of this, because i know i am. big time. but my disappointments, not to excuse myself, have not always been conscious decisions. most of my decisions for the past 8 years have been made my depression. getting out of bed and bailing was just how it went, it wasnt an option. so i do apologize to those who ive disappointed in the past. and in being more conscious of myself, i hope to not disappoint in the future. i know how it feels and it sucks.

this is my rant. because i cant sleep and because im pissed. and for the first time in a long time i will most likely cry myself to sleep. and i dont give a fuck.

when it comes down to it, humanity sucks. and i cant wait to be in rochester for a while and just be surrounded by family.


peace and balance

management

hello devoted followers, welcome back. its been a while and i figured it was time for a post. an update on my life and mental health if you will. i have limited time so it wont be the longest of blogs tonight but ill try and tell you what i can before i conk out for the night.. and while my LAPTOP battery lives. yes, thats right. another exciting installment in my life, a laptop! finally. i think i finally made it into the 21st century. next stop, a camera!

anyways, moving onto more exciting news. life is good, life is a lot better. im not sure why it is this way but it's gone very smoothly for the past week or so. im gonna blame this on a combination of meds, different mindset and four winds. four winds is going wonderfully and for once in a long long time, im finally getting used to being myself again. especially this weekend, i saw glimpses of something i havent seen in a while. and i liked it. it was real and it was quasi-me. its gonna take a long long, hard time but i think i can manage this in the end.

i think i discovered what the root of this evil has been. in becoming anxious, i lost all sense of me and i quavered. my foundation that i had buildt up fall '09, my confidence and everything i worked hard for, but didnt know how to manage, broke apart. and what i was left with was someone who was very anxious, stressed out and not knowing how to deal. it was a very scary time and still can be. but atleast i can now identify it and deal with it properly. isnt it funny how it takes months and months to finally recognize something, and when you do... you realized you suffered for so long for nothing when the answer was right under your nose? had i gotten anti-anxiety meds and taken this seriously, it could've been a much different year. but lets not focus on that, i cant change the past.

i think the most important ive learned the past week or so is that i need practice. though i want to isolate myself, the most important thing i can do is get out there and practice being around people again. in a way thats not anxious, in a way that will be healthy and helpful. i think i can manage this slowly. one step at a time. four winds certainly helps with this. it means meeting a lot of people and talking. something i feared for the past year. the fact ive gotten to know people and have held anxiety-free conversations is beautiful. and goes to show you that things arent permanent. this is but a blip on my life.

this leads me into my next thought... this has me pumped for the fall. really pumped. more than anyone could know. last spring and last fall i dreaded the idea of coming back to school. i was in such a terrible spot that i could barely cope with everyday life, let along the rigers of a semester at SLU. now that im in an amazing spot and healing nicely, i think SLU will finally work out for me. with some planning ahead, the right precautions and my head on straight, this can definitely work. it will be much different than it was in the past for me, but i really hope to ace the hell out of my classes and have the best time ever. which im sure i will, considering i have the best support system and friends. that being said, im just excited in general. it sounds silly.. but i just cant wait to have my own room again, be independent, go to class, learn and work towards something. i miss the late late nights in the library, studying or doing homework for some inane reason. i miss dana, i miss the food, the late nights doing other things, winston room movies, work, getting mail and being excited about it, my friends, the experiences and just college life in general. now that my head is screwed on right, hopefully i can experience and enjoy it more than ever.

and the fact dr. searleman told me he'd overload so that i could be in his research methods class has definitely helped. its the icing on the cake. its sealed my fate. ive gotta work extra hard to show him i mean business and ill ace his class. its about time im done with this research methods shit. no offense, but i hate that class. best part: the rats. and i do have a good chance of getting into abnormal psych and stats considering my circumstances. and the fact the head of the department has overloaded for me. thanks the heavens, something is going right. i feel very blessed. not to get too religious haha.

moving on, though i have so much to say, so little time and not to mention too little battery life. i feel very blessed and loved and supported. i didn't realize it until now but i have a lot of people backing me, a lot of people who are supporting me and a lot of people who just love me. just getting an im from an old friend is the biggest present ever. im talking to my friend brooke, who i love, and it keeps me going. even though shes not next door and i cant bang on the wall, i know shes there. and hopefully i can visit her ass soon! i also have alan, who i talked to the other day. an old friend and awesome guy, it was good to catch up. i sometimes forget i have a lot of friends and im sorry if i take advantage of this fact. sometimes i neglect the things that need the most work and love. i cant wait to get back, be with my friends and hopefully get to know other people.

i feel really gushy and sentimental right now. but eh, thats how i feel. confidence and willpower does weird shit to you. i love feeling competent. thats the most important thing in me succeeding. i believe thats my key to success. and soon, i feel, i know ill be able to do this.

anyways, im so scatterbrained, but hope you enjoyed. to all you that read, thanks and enjoy my life through words haha. ill be back again soon.. so much to write. and such a good week ahead of me.

much love!
peace and balance :)

validation

first of all, thanks to everyone reading. didn't realize who was and now that im finding out, i appreciate it even more.

i do have a lot to say and a lot to jot down, but it's 2:30am and i really should be asleep. i guess i just got inspired for a second and felt the need to write.

ive realized a lot of things. especially within the past week or so. the biggest one being.. it's okay for me to feel like this. it's okay for me to feel depressed or for me to feel anxious. i think the issue ive been having is living with it, or even more so.. validating it. i havent given proper respect to my feelings, ever. and the fact i can outloud validate my anxious feelings or tell someone im feeling depressed is a huge step. an even bigger step is the fact ive realized im allowed these feelings and that they dont rule me. ive always felt that ive had to overcome them and not let people see them, and see it within me. the issue is that thats the opposite of what i should've done. these feelings, which are very real, are just apart of me if not more real than my sense of humor, my compassion, my love, or what have you. and to always be refusing them has made my life difficult. to feel the need to cover the them up or act differently so i didnt appear depressed is so ridiculous. im glad im finding out now that this is just a part of my life.

i dunno, some things are just really hard to convey. it's hard to understand, especially if you've never felt this way or you cant follow my crappy writing. either way, ive realized that in being me, i have to accept certain things and in doing so i need to validate them. it sucks living and feeling like your feelings suck because they're out of the ordinary or don't belong. its quite the opposite, they're a part of who i am and im almost proud. someone in one of my groups commented last week that 'we deal with a lot of shit, but we feel a lot and we feel a lot more deeply. so we get the short end of the stick, but at least we can say we feel on a whole new level'


peace love and balance

dip dip dip..

bah, im getting bogged down with depression. all the thinking and awareness of my illness at four winds has me thinking about it that much more. and the more i think about it the worse it gets. i need to get my mind off this shit and use some distractions. i know i can overcome this, i just have to do it.

being anxious 24/7 has made me forget what legit depression feels like. i always gets one in place of the other. and both really suck. my anxiety puts me on edge and my depression makes it so i cant feel normal around anyone until i break out of it. depression is a whole new low, ha ha ha. nothing kills your spirit like wanting to sleep in your nice warm bed for two days straight. but im staying on the path of DBT skills and pushing ahead and i guess staying out of bed. shit.

yet, there's some evil part of my brain.. which i have yet to voice to anyone so please don't share with the world.. that has me thinking: maybe im too messed up to function. maybe im too messed up to live a normal life, maybe im too messed to have a boyfriend. its the kind of thinking that gets me into trouble and something i wouldn't even think of if my mental health was good. but right now, it's something thats popping up. is there any merit to it? i have no idea.


peace love and balance, or trying

bad day, dont talk to me

so, i just wrote this post. and then rewrote because i didn't like it. i have a lot to say but im not sure how to say it, or even if you guys would understand. if anyone's out there reading? oh well, i guess this is more for my benefit than anything else.

today has sucked, royally. i hate today and what its done to my progress overall. it's brought me back to a place a month ago that i dont like. its filled with anxiety, its dark and i hate it. id rather feel mania than what im feeling now. i think this is my dip into the cycle of depression. let the fun begin. im using all the tricks in my arsenal that i have to save this day and get into a better mood. all those DBT skills four winds is teaching me. but i dunno if its getting any better? i suppose so, because if it was the past me i would've still been in bed, sleeping, trying to cover up the issue. today i actually got up, took on cleaning my room somemore and hopefully soon ill get out and see some friends. i guess progress is being made, i just dont recognize it.

i wish today was just over. i wish that it was easier. and i didnt have to think about all this. this is interrupting my life and i dont like it.

fuck this.

peace love and balance