recovering

hey all. so i kinda realized i hadn't posted in a while. and felt bad. my life's just been kind of crazy lately and haven't had the time to post, or the internet access to do so.

sooo, this is just a quick entry before i hit the hay. thank you meds for helping me pass out. i would just like to thank everyone for reading, all of my friends for being amazing and being there for me and also my family and therapist. i couldn't do any of this without you. you make life bearable and much more enjoyable.. i'd also like to thank my meds. i've always been against them, but the fact remains that they are helping me at the present moment and i couldnt be more thankful and trying to help myself in bettering my mental health. it is a slow process, but i think sticking to taking my meds every day is a step in the right direction.

and it is paying off. anti-anxiety meds mellow out my moods every single day to the point where i can function and actually excel and live.. as opposed to just struggling to get by. everyday shouldn't suck, everyday shouldn't be the struggle it has been. i want to enjoy everyday. i want to enjoy my friends. i want to enjoy my work and my coworkers. i do, but when my anxiety flares it prevents me from doing so. it's the saddest thing and makes me want to cry.. i want to be the best person i can be, and the best lauren i can be.. so if it means to sticking to meds, then i will. if it means truly helping myself for the first time, then i will. if it means actually making it back to school, doing well and succeeding in my schoolwork and social life, then i will do everything in my power to make this happen.

everything was a joke before. i never took any of this seriously. i saw myself as different from everyone else so i treated myself like that. i let myself get away with things i shouldn't have. and im paying for this. in recovering im also discovering bad habits, bad patterns, fuckups, hidden stereotypes, etc. but i think in time, once im settled, im better and i can function as a healthy individual, i can then address those concerns. right now its getting back on track, so work and saving money, spending time with family and friends, having a kickass summer, get my head on straight and making it back to school. im not a fucking quitter.. and im not about to let anxiety make me avoid school. i love st. lawrence and everyone there, and the fact that my anxiety made me unhappy to be there and around people was the worst thing in the world.. i hope going back i can truly enjoy myself, school work and my amazing friends.

the best part about this journey is nothing is set in stone. i thought that anxiety was a permanent fixture in my life. it RUINED my life for over a year. it made me into someone i wasn't. someone i didnt like. someone who barely spoke, who wasn't herself and didnt enjoy life and what it had to offer. the fact that i AM dealing with my anxiety in a healthy way and i can manage my life and function is such a huge step for me. the fact i dont have to worry all the time, i dont have to focus on the small things, i have some aid in helping me do things that drove me up the wall before. the anxiety may rise in my chest, but the meds and self-talk push it back down. it's so beautiful i could cry. i know no one probably understands exactly how i feel or what im talking about, but the fact that i think life is turning around is amazing. a few weeks ago i would've said, what? never.. this misery ive been dealing with is permanent. fuck that. im not spending 80 years miserable around people i used to enjoy and people i love.

this was supposed to be a tiny post! but i ended writing a ton. and im glad... i had a ton to say. ive had a lot on my mind. and a lot of feelings. now that im not feeling overwhelming anxiety, im feeling so much and its amazing. i could cry for joy, and i will. but maybe when im in bed.. lol

i would just like to end with: i can enjoy things again. im actually living life. instead of sliding by and not even living my life, im an active participant in it and enjoying it. the fact i legit say im HAPPY and i LOOK FORWARD TO THINGS is amazing. when all i could do before was dread things and feel anxious for them to come at me. all i can say, i hope things go up from here, i hope that this has been the learning experience of a lifetime and that i can continue to enjoy my life because thats what its all about.. living a life worth living and being happy. it's a slow process as i said, but i'm on my way finally!!! and sure, there will be dips.. there will be bumps along the road, but im confident that im on the right path.

this weekend alone was proof of that and was the best thing for me. ill get into it in another post, since ive been writing like a madwoman, but its a good cure. my anxiety peaked at times.. fucking tons of people at graduation. but being tested around people, especially people i love, who are sometimes the worst to be around for my anxiety, was the best thing that could've happened. i wasn't 100% but i did it and im glad i did. i surpassed my expectations, had a good time and saw some people that i absolutely love. but more on that laaater.. and probably randa's b-day. that was a good day too :)

yeah, sorry for rambling! but at least its something to read. more later.


peace love and balance