home away from home

sooo, it's been a while. i've kinda been slacking on my own blog. how sad is that? i guess it happens with my busy lifestyle, huh.

so if not everyone knows as of now, im away in rochester for 2 weeks. and im allowing myself to enjoy it fully. just 2 weeks to relax and have an actual summer for once. maybe not as exciting as i like it, but it'll do.

i feel i made a good transition and im just trying to think things out right now.

i have too much to write right now, but i just wanted to let you guys know im alive and well. and definitely getting the tan on. you wont even recognize me when i get back.

if you need me, text or call the cell


peace love and balance

dip it low and pick it up slow

i dont know how to actually get my feelings out at the moment. my mood's taken a turn for the worst, and when that happens.. i avoid, and i withdraw. so right now its so difficult to talk to anyone, it actually physically hurts. i hate these dips i go through. 4 days of highs, awesome times, and then like 2 days of depression. sometimes i wonder if im bi-polar with all this depression and anxiety going on.

im just stupid. i dont want to feel this and i want to ask myself whats wrong with me? nothing is though, right? i should accept my feelings, theyre a part of me. but they suck, really suck. i just feel like curling up into a ball and sleeping.. sleeping for a long time.

ill get out of this funk, its just suffering through it that sucks. maybe i could've prevented this. but it seems everytime this happens, its gotten easier to handle. maybe i am getting something out of my mental health shit...

i just really really wish it were easier. no anxiety, no depression, no hassle, an easy life.. why must no else suffer through what i am? it fucking sucks.

i want to exist without thinking all the time, without ruminating. without second-guessing and doubting. i want all the confidence in the world and the self-esteem to go with it. i want to be healed.

everything seemed so perfect last night. and now its slumped. i think i can pinpoint the trigger, it was hard to get away from it. i just know this too will pass. and this gives me hope. maybe some sleep and self-soothing tomorrow will help..

peace love and happiness

reality

i guess the reality of the situation is: people disappoint and so does life. and i never realized this up until a little while ago. im not sure if its because my expectations have been high lately. but man, its sucks. i guess aiming low and always being surprised worked in the past. it's failed me now. i feel utterly ridiculous right now. and i hope someone's reading this, and whoever it is is one of few people who have disappointed me..

not to say im not guilty of this, because i know i am. big time. but my disappointments, not to excuse myself, have not always been conscious decisions. most of my decisions for the past 8 years have been made my depression. getting out of bed and bailing was just how it went, it wasnt an option. so i do apologize to those who ive disappointed in the past. and in being more conscious of myself, i hope to not disappoint in the future. i know how it feels and it sucks.

this is my rant. because i cant sleep and because im pissed. and for the first time in a long time i will most likely cry myself to sleep. and i dont give a fuck.

when it comes down to it, humanity sucks. and i cant wait to be in rochester for a while and just be surrounded by family.


peace and balance