the beginning

so this is my new blog. it's for me and for everyone or anyone who wants to follow me through my journey of anxiety and depression. mainly it's for me to voice myself, my worries, my thoughts, my opinions and also the status and update of my once deteriorating mental health... which i do hope is back on track. so join me if you want. like i said, this is most definitely for my friends as well. i welcome them to read this as i know im not always the most forth-coming person and don't always say whats on my mind or how im feeling... hopefully some of this will clear that up and i can better express myself and how i feel. i dont want to leave you guys out of the dark any longer. you know, funny as it is, it feels much better having the support and having people know.. when before it all seemed like a secret and i wanted it to be that way. it's much easier this way... funny how that happens.

but anywho... welcome! please please stay with me. and i hope i don't forget about this and keep updating. i have the awful habit of forgetting to write in these things after the first entry.. motivation people, motivation! maybe post-its would help.. but yeah, i'll eventually get around to writing down my entire history with my depression and anxiety, but for now it's a welcome... and just a general post on how i'm feeling at the very moment.

life is fucking terrific. i forgot how wonderful it can feel to be alive, to breathe air, to have great friends and family and to actually ENJOY. to be happy, to have feelings, to feel free yet again. it's so nice and such a heavy weight off my chest. not to feel so restricted anymore, not feel so coiled up and ready to boil over. it's just so nice to breathe.

i guess it's kinda hard to describe the feeling without knowing it yourself. it's like feeling stuck underwater for months and months and suddenly emerging and drawing your first breath. it's beautiful and feels so good you could cry. for the first time in over a year or so i feel like i can breathe, i feel like im living and thriving... instead of "functioning" or just getting by. anxiety will do that to you... it kills you. it kills your motivation, your feelings, your life, your goals, everything you're striven for. i gave a fuck about nothing because nothing felt good anymore, nothing made me happy, i didn't enjoy ANYTHING. but now that everything's beautiful and i can laugh and smile, life is terrific.

i'm not one to advertise drugs. and i don't want to speak so soon... but antianxiety meds are saving my life. they're a beautiful thing. i hate meds and hate taking them. but they are giving me a second chance. instead of coiled up inside my chest, i feel free, motivated, happy and wanting to really live and experience things. i want to make new friends, enjoy the ones i have now, love my family, get a great boyfriend and just fucking breathe. enjoying a nice sunset is cool too. anywaysss.

im really a sap and not to be overdramatic, but thats how im feeling. kinda like a rebirth of sorts. it takes you to hell and back to get to a better place, to know where you're going and to find out who you are. and you know, it has sucked, but i'm kinda glad i got to go there... here's to never going back! and pushing on


peace love and balance