management

hello devoted followers, welcome back. its been a while and i figured it was time for a post. an update on my life and mental health if you will. i have limited time so it wont be the longest of blogs tonight but ill try and tell you what i can before i conk out for the night.. and while my LAPTOP battery lives. yes, thats right. another exciting installment in my life, a laptop! finally. i think i finally made it into the 21st century. next stop, a camera!

anyways, moving onto more exciting news. life is good, life is a lot better. im not sure why it is this way but it's gone very smoothly for the past week or so. im gonna blame this on a combination of meds, different mindset and four winds. four winds is going wonderfully and for once in a long long time, im finally getting used to being myself again. especially this weekend, i saw glimpses of something i havent seen in a while. and i liked it. it was real and it was quasi-me. its gonna take a long long, hard time but i think i can manage this in the end.

i think i discovered what the root of this evil has been. in becoming anxious, i lost all sense of me and i quavered. my foundation that i had buildt up fall '09, my confidence and everything i worked hard for, but didnt know how to manage, broke apart. and what i was left with was someone who was very anxious, stressed out and not knowing how to deal. it was a very scary time and still can be. but atleast i can now identify it and deal with it properly. isnt it funny how it takes months and months to finally recognize something, and when you do... you realized you suffered for so long for nothing when the answer was right under your nose? had i gotten anti-anxiety meds and taken this seriously, it could've been a much different year. but lets not focus on that, i cant change the past.

i think the most important ive learned the past week or so is that i need practice. though i want to isolate myself, the most important thing i can do is get out there and practice being around people again. in a way thats not anxious, in a way that will be healthy and helpful. i think i can manage this slowly. one step at a time. four winds certainly helps with this. it means meeting a lot of people and talking. something i feared for the past year. the fact ive gotten to know people and have held anxiety-free conversations is beautiful. and goes to show you that things arent permanent. this is but a blip on my life.

this leads me into my next thought... this has me pumped for the fall. really pumped. more than anyone could know. last spring and last fall i dreaded the idea of coming back to school. i was in such a terrible spot that i could barely cope with everyday life, let along the rigers of a semester at SLU. now that im in an amazing spot and healing nicely, i think SLU will finally work out for me. with some planning ahead, the right precautions and my head on straight, this can definitely work. it will be much different than it was in the past for me, but i really hope to ace the hell out of my classes and have the best time ever. which im sure i will, considering i have the best support system and friends. that being said, im just excited in general. it sounds silly.. but i just cant wait to have my own room again, be independent, go to class, learn and work towards something. i miss the late late nights in the library, studying or doing homework for some inane reason. i miss dana, i miss the food, the late nights doing other things, winston room movies, work, getting mail and being excited about it, my friends, the experiences and just college life in general. now that my head is screwed on right, hopefully i can experience and enjoy it more than ever.

and the fact dr. searleman told me he'd overload so that i could be in his research methods class has definitely helped. its the icing on the cake. its sealed my fate. ive gotta work extra hard to show him i mean business and ill ace his class. its about time im done with this research methods shit. no offense, but i hate that class. best part: the rats. and i do have a good chance of getting into abnormal psych and stats considering my circumstances. and the fact the head of the department has overloaded for me. thanks the heavens, something is going right. i feel very blessed. not to get too religious haha.

moving on, though i have so much to say, so little time and not to mention too little battery life. i feel very blessed and loved and supported. i didn't realize it until now but i have a lot of people backing me, a lot of people who are supporting me and a lot of people who just love me. just getting an im from an old friend is the biggest present ever. im talking to my friend brooke, who i love, and it keeps me going. even though shes not next door and i cant bang on the wall, i know shes there. and hopefully i can visit her ass soon! i also have alan, who i talked to the other day. an old friend and awesome guy, it was good to catch up. i sometimes forget i have a lot of friends and im sorry if i take advantage of this fact. sometimes i neglect the things that need the most work and love. i cant wait to get back, be with my friends and hopefully get to know other people.

i feel really gushy and sentimental right now. but eh, thats how i feel. confidence and willpower does weird shit to you. i love feeling competent. thats the most important thing in me succeeding. i believe thats my key to success. and soon, i feel, i know ill be able to do this.

anyways, im so scatterbrained, but hope you enjoyed. to all you that read, thanks and enjoy my life through words haha. ill be back again soon.. so much to write. and such a good week ahead of me.

much love!
peace and balance :)