sooo, it's been a while. i've kinda been slacking on my own blog. how sad is that? i guess it happens with my busy lifestyle, huh.
so if not everyone knows as of now, im away in rochester for 2 weeks. and im allowing myself to enjoy it fully. just 2 weeks to relax and have an actual summer for once. maybe not as exciting as i like it, but it'll do.
i feel i made a good transition and im just trying to think things out right now.
i have too much to write right now, but i just wanted to let you guys know im alive and well. and definitely getting the tan on. you wont even recognize me when i get back.
if you need me, text or call the cell
peace love and balance
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
dip it low and pick it up slow
i dont know how to actually get my feelings out at the moment. my mood's taken a turn for the worst, and when that happens.. i avoid, and i withdraw. so right now its so difficult to talk to anyone, it actually physically hurts. i hate these dips i go through. 4 days of highs, awesome times, and then like 2 days of depression. sometimes i wonder if im bi-polar with all this depression and anxiety going on.
im just stupid. i dont want to feel this and i want to ask myself whats wrong with me? nothing is though, right? i should accept my feelings, theyre a part of me. but they suck, really suck. i just feel like curling up into a ball and sleeping.. sleeping for a long time.
ill get out of this funk, its just suffering through it that sucks. maybe i could've prevented this. but it seems everytime this happens, its gotten easier to handle. maybe i am getting something out of my mental health shit...
i just really really wish it were easier. no anxiety, no depression, no hassle, an easy life.. why must no else suffer through what i am? it fucking sucks.
i want to exist without thinking all the time, without ruminating. without second-guessing and doubting. i want all the confidence in the world and the self-esteem to go with it. i want to be healed.
everything seemed so perfect last night. and now its slumped. i think i can pinpoint the trigger, it was hard to get away from it. i just know this too will pass. and this gives me hope. maybe some sleep and self-soothing tomorrow will help..
peace love and happiness
im just stupid. i dont want to feel this and i want to ask myself whats wrong with me? nothing is though, right? i should accept my feelings, theyre a part of me. but they suck, really suck. i just feel like curling up into a ball and sleeping.. sleeping for a long time.
ill get out of this funk, its just suffering through it that sucks. maybe i could've prevented this. but it seems everytime this happens, its gotten easier to handle. maybe i am getting something out of my mental health shit...
i just really really wish it were easier. no anxiety, no depression, no hassle, an easy life.. why must no else suffer through what i am? it fucking sucks.
i want to exist without thinking all the time, without ruminating. without second-guessing and doubting. i want all the confidence in the world and the self-esteem to go with it. i want to be healed.
everything seemed so perfect last night. and now its slumped. i think i can pinpoint the trigger, it was hard to get away from it. i just know this too will pass. and this gives me hope. maybe some sleep and self-soothing tomorrow will help..
peace love and happiness
Saturday, July 3, 2010
reality
i guess the reality of the situation is: people disappoint and so does life. and i never realized this up until a little while ago. im not sure if its because my expectations have been high lately. but man, its sucks. i guess aiming low and always being surprised worked in the past. it's failed me now. i feel utterly ridiculous right now. and i hope someone's reading this, and whoever it is is one of few people who have disappointed me..
not to say im not guilty of this, because i know i am. big time. but my disappointments, not to excuse myself, have not always been conscious decisions. most of my decisions for the past 8 years have been made my depression. getting out of bed and bailing was just how it went, it wasnt an option. so i do apologize to those who ive disappointed in the past. and in being more conscious of myself, i hope to not disappoint in the future. i know how it feels and it sucks.
this is my rant. because i cant sleep and because im pissed. and for the first time in a long time i will most likely cry myself to sleep. and i dont give a fuck.
when it comes down to it, humanity sucks. and i cant wait to be in rochester for a while and just be surrounded by family.
peace and balance
not to say im not guilty of this, because i know i am. big time. but my disappointments, not to excuse myself, have not always been conscious decisions. most of my decisions for the past 8 years have been made my depression. getting out of bed and bailing was just how it went, it wasnt an option. so i do apologize to those who ive disappointed in the past. and in being more conscious of myself, i hope to not disappoint in the future. i know how it feels and it sucks.
this is my rant. because i cant sleep and because im pissed. and for the first time in a long time i will most likely cry myself to sleep. and i dont give a fuck.
when it comes down to it, humanity sucks. and i cant wait to be in rochester for a while and just be surrounded by family.
peace and balance
Thursday, June 24, 2010
management
hello devoted followers, welcome back. its been a while and i figured it was time for a post. an update on my life and mental health if you will. i have limited time so it wont be the longest of blogs tonight but ill try and tell you what i can before i conk out for the night.. and while my LAPTOP battery lives. yes, thats right. another exciting installment in my life, a laptop! finally. i think i finally made it into the 21st century. next stop, a camera!
anyways, moving onto more exciting news. life is good, life is a lot better. im not sure why it is this way but it's gone very smoothly for the past week or so. im gonna blame this on a combination of meds, different mindset and four winds. four winds is going wonderfully and for once in a long long time, im finally getting used to being myself again. especially this weekend, i saw glimpses of something i havent seen in a while. and i liked it. it was real and it was quasi-me. its gonna take a long long, hard time but i think i can manage this in the end.
i think i discovered what the root of this evil has been. in becoming anxious, i lost all sense of me and i quavered. my foundation that i had buildt up fall '09, my confidence and everything i worked hard for, but didnt know how to manage, broke apart. and what i was left with was someone who was very anxious, stressed out and not knowing how to deal. it was a very scary time and still can be. but atleast i can now identify it and deal with it properly. isnt it funny how it takes months and months to finally recognize something, and when you do... you realized you suffered for so long for nothing when the answer was right under your nose? had i gotten anti-anxiety meds and taken this seriously, it could've been a much different year. but lets not focus on that, i cant change the past.
i think the most important ive learned the past week or so is that i need practice. though i want to isolate myself, the most important thing i can do is get out there and practice being around people again. in a way thats not anxious, in a way that will be healthy and helpful. i think i can manage this slowly. one step at a time. four winds certainly helps with this. it means meeting a lot of people and talking. something i feared for the past year. the fact ive gotten to know people and have held anxiety-free conversations is beautiful. and goes to show you that things arent permanent. this is but a blip on my life.
this leads me into my next thought... this has me pumped for the fall. really pumped. more than anyone could know. last spring and last fall i dreaded the idea of coming back to school. i was in such a terrible spot that i could barely cope with everyday life, let along the rigers of a semester at SLU. now that im in an amazing spot and healing nicely, i think SLU will finally work out for me. with some planning ahead, the right precautions and my head on straight, this can definitely work. it will be much different than it was in the past for me, but i really hope to ace the hell out of my classes and have the best time ever. which im sure i will, considering i have the best support system and friends. that being said, im just excited in general. it sounds silly.. but i just cant wait to have my own room again, be independent, go to class, learn and work towards something. i miss the late late nights in the library, studying or doing homework for some inane reason. i miss dana, i miss the food, the late nights doing other things, winston room movies, work, getting mail and being excited about it, my friends, the experiences and just college life in general. now that my head is screwed on right, hopefully i can experience and enjoy it more than ever.
and the fact dr. searleman told me he'd overload so that i could be in his research methods class has definitely helped. its the icing on the cake. its sealed my fate. ive gotta work extra hard to show him i mean business and ill ace his class. its about time im done with this research methods shit. no offense, but i hate that class. best part: the rats. and i do have a good chance of getting into abnormal psych and stats considering my circumstances. and the fact the head of the department has overloaded for me. thanks the heavens, something is going right. i feel very blessed. not to get too religious haha.
moving on, though i have so much to say, so little time and not to mention too little battery life. i feel very blessed and loved and supported. i didn't realize it until now but i have a lot of people backing me, a lot of people who are supporting me and a lot of people who just love me. just getting an im from an old friend is the biggest present ever. im talking to my friend brooke, who i love, and it keeps me going. even though shes not next door and i cant bang on the wall, i know shes there. and hopefully i can visit her ass soon! i also have alan, who i talked to the other day. an old friend and awesome guy, it was good to catch up. i sometimes forget i have a lot of friends and im sorry if i take advantage of this fact. sometimes i neglect the things that need the most work and love. i cant wait to get back, be with my friends and hopefully get to know other people.
i feel really gushy and sentimental right now. but eh, thats how i feel. confidence and willpower does weird shit to you. i love feeling competent. thats the most important thing in me succeeding. i believe thats my key to success. and soon, i feel, i know ill be able to do this.
anyways, im so scatterbrained, but hope you enjoyed. to all you that read, thanks and enjoy my life through words haha. ill be back again soon.. so much to write. and such a good week ahead of me.
much love!
peace and balance :)
anyways, moving onto more exciting news. life is good, life is a lot better. im not sure why it is this way but it's gone very smoothly for the past week or so. im gonna blame this on a combination of meds, different mindset and four winds. four winds is going wonderfully and for once in a long long time, im finally getting used to being myself again. especially this weekend, i saw glimpses of something i havent seen in a while. and i liked it. it was real and it was quasi-me. its gonna take a long long, hard time but i think i can manage this in the end.
i think i discovered what the root of this evil has been. in becoming anxious, i lost all sense of me and i quavered. my foundation that i had buildt up fall '09, my confidence and everything i worked hard for, but didnt know how to manage, broke apart. and what i was left with was someone who was very anxious, stressed out and not knowing how to deal. it was a very scary time and still can be. but atleast i can now identify it and deal with it properly. isnt it funny how it takes months and months to finally recognize something, and when you do... you realized you suffered for so long for nothing when the answer was right under your nose? had i gotten anti-anxiety meds and taken this seriously, it could've been a much different year. but lets not focus on that, i cant change the past.
i think the most important ive learned the past week or so is that i need practice. though i want to isolate myself, the most important thing i can do is get out there and practice being around people again. in a way thats not anxious, in a way that will be healthy and helpful. i think i can manage this slowly. one step at a time. four winds certainly helps with this. it means meeting a lot of people and talking. something i feared for the past year. the fact ive gotten to know people and have held anxiety-free conversations is beautiful. and goes to show you that things arent permanent. this is but a blip on my life.
this leads me into my next thought... this has me pumped for the fall. really pumped. more than anyone could know. last spring and last fall i dreaded the idea of coming back to school. i was in such a terrible spot that i could barely cope with everyday life, let along the rigers of a semester at SLU. now that im in an amazing spot and healing nicely, i think SLU will finally work out for me. with some planning ahead, the right precautions and my head on straight, this can definitely work. it will be much different than it was in the past for me, but i really hope to ace the hell out of my classes and have the best time ever. which im sure i will, considering i have the best support system and friends. that being said, im just excited in general. it sounds silly.. but i just cant wait to have my own room again, be independent, go to class, learn and work towards something. i miss the late late nights in the library, studying or doing homework for some inane reason. i miss dana, i miss the food, the late nights doing other things, winston room movies, work, getting mail and being excited about it, my friends, the experiences and just college life in general. now that my head is screwed on right, hopefully i can experience and enjoy it more than ever.
and the fact dr. searleman told me he'd overload so that i could be in his research methods class has definitely helped. its the icing on the cake. its sealed my fate. ive gotta work extra hard to show him i mean business and ill ace his class. its about time im done with this research methods shit. no offense, but i hate that class. best part: the rats. and i do have a good chance of getting into abnormal psych and stats considering my circumstances. and the fact the head of the department has overloaded for me. thanks the heavens, something is going right. i feel very blessed. not to get too religious haha.
moving on, though i have so much to say, so little time and not to mention too little battery life. i feel very blessed and loved and supported. i didn't realize it until now but i have a lot of people backing me, a lot of people who are supporting me and a lot of people who just love me. just getting an im from an old friend is the biggest present ever. im talking to my friend brooke, who i love, and it keeps me going. even though shes not next door and i cant bang on the wall, i know shes there. and hopefully i can visit her ass soon! i also have alan, who i talked to the other day. an old friend and awesome guy, it was good to catch up. i sometimes forget i have a lot of friends and im sorry if i take advantage of this fact. sometimes i neglect the things that need the most work and love. i cant wait to get back, be with my friends and hopefully get to know other people.
i feel really gushy and sentimental right now. but eh, thats how i feel. confidence and willpower does weird shit to you. i love feeling competent. thats the most important thing in me succeeding. i believe thats my key to success. and soon, i feel, i know ill be able to do this.
anyways, im so scatterbrained, but hope you enjoyed. to all you that read, thanks and enjoy my life through words haha. ill be back again soon.. so much to write. and such a good week ahead of me.
much love!
peace and balance :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
validation
first of all, thanks to everyone reading. didn't realize who was and now that im finding out, i appreciate it even more.
i do have a lot to say and a lot to jot down, but it's 2:30am and i really should be asleep. i guess i just got inspired for a second and felt the need to write.
ive realized a lot of things. especially within the past week or so. the biggest one being.. it's okay for me to feel like this. it's okay for me to feel depressed or for me to feel anxious. i think the issue ive been having is living with it, or even more so.. validating it. i havent given proper respect to my feelings, ever. and the fact i can outloud validate my anxious feelings or tell someone im feeling depressed is a huge step. an even bigger step is the fact ive realized im allowed these feelings and that they dont rule me. ive always felt that ive had to overcome them and not let people see them, and see it within me. the issue is that thats the opposite of what i should've done. these feelings, which are very real, are just apart of me if not more real than my sense of humor, my compassion, my love, or what have you. and to always be refusing them has made my life difficult. to feel the need to cover the them up or act differently so i didnt appear depressed is so ridiculous. im glad im finding out now that this is just a part of my life.
i dunno, some things are just really hard to convey. it's hard to understand, especially if you've never felt this way or you cant follow my crappy writing. either way, ive realized that in being me, i have to accept certain things and in doing so i need to validate them. it sucks living and feeling like your feelings suck because they're out of the ordinary or don't belong. its quite the opposite, they're a part of who i am and im almost proud. someone in one of my groups commented last week that 'we deal with a lot of shit, but we feel a lot and we feel a lot more deeply. so we get the short end of the stick, but at least we can say we feel on a whole new level'
peace love and balance
i do have a lot to say and a lot to jot down, but it's 2:30am and i really should be asleep. i guess i just got inspired for a second and felt the need to write.
ive realized a lot of things. especially within the past week or so. the biggest one being.. it's okay for me to feel like this. it's okay for me to feel depressed or for me to feel anxious. i think the issue ive been having is living with it, or even more so.. validating it. i havent given proper respect to my feelings, ever. and the fact i can outloud validate my anxious feelings or tell someone im feeling depressed is a huge step. an even bigger step is the fact ive realized im allowed these feelings and that they dont rule me. ive always felt that ive had to overcome them and not let people see them, and see it within me. the issue is that thats the opposite of what i should've done. these feelings, which are very real, are just apart of me if not more real than my sense of humor, my compassion, my love, or what have you. and to always be refusing them has made my life difficult. to feel the need to cover the them up or act differently so i didnt appear depressed is so ridiculous. im glad im finding out now that this is just a part of my life.
i dunno, some things are just really hard to convey. it's hard to understand, especially if you've never felt this way or you cant follow my crappy writing. either way, ive realized that in being me, i have to accept certain things and in doing so i need to validate them. it sucks living and feeling like your feelings suck because they're out of the ordinary or don't belong. its quite the opposite, they're a part of who i am and im almost proud. someone in one of my groups commented last week that 'we deal with a lot of shit, but we feel a lot and we feel a lot more deeply. so we get the short end of the stick, but at least we can say we feel on a whole new level'
peace love and balance
Thursday, June 10, 2010
dip dip dip..
bah, im getting bogged down with depression. all the thinking and awareness of my illness at four winds has me thinking about it that much more. and the more i think about it the worse it gets. i need to get my mind off this shit and use some distractions. i know i can overcome this, i just have to do it.
being anxious 24/7 has made me forget what legit depression feels like. i always gets one in place of the other. and both really suck. my anxiety puts me on edge and my depression makes it so i cant feel normal around anyone until i break out of it. depression is a whole new low, ha ha ha. nothing kills your spirit like wanting to sleep in your nice warm bed for two days straight. but im staying on the path of DBT skills and pushing ahead and i guess staying out of bed. shit.
yet, there's some evil part of my brain.. which i have yet to voice to anyone so please don't share with the world.. that has me thinking: maybe im too messed up to function. maybe im too messed up to live a normal life, maybe im too messed to have a boyfriend. its the kind of thinking that gets me into trouble and something i wouldn't even think of if my mental health was good. but right now, it's something thats popping up. is there any merit to it? i have no idea.
peace love and balance, or trying
being anxious 24/7 has made me forget what legit depression feels like. i always gets one in place of the other. and both really suck. my anxiety puts me on edge and my depression makes it so i cant feel normal around anyone until i break out of it. depression is a whole new low, ha ha ha. nothing kills your spirit like wanting to sleep in your nice warm bed for two days straight. but im staying on the path of DBT skills and pushing ahead and i guess staying out of bed. shit.
yet, there's some evil part of my brain.. which i have yet to voice to anyone so please don't share with the world.. that has me thinking: maybe im too messed up to function. maybe im too messed up to live a normal life, maybe im too messed to have a boyfriend. its the kind of thinking that gets me into trouble and something i wouldn't even think of if my mental health was good. but right now, it's something thats popping up. is there any merit to it? i have no idea.
peace love and balance, or trying
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
bad day, dont talk to me
so, i just wrote this post. and then rewrote because i didn't like it. i have a lot to say but im not sure how to say it, or even if you guys would understand. if anyone's out there reading? oh well, i guess this is more for my benefit than anything else.
today has sucked, royally. i hate today and what its done to my progress overall. it's brought me back to a place a month ago that i dont like. its filled with anxiety, its dark and i hate it. id rather feel mania than what im feeling now. i think this is my dip into the cycle of depression. let the fun begin. im using all the tricks in my arsenal that i have to save this day and get into a better mood. all those DBT skills four winds is teaching me. but i dunno if its getting any better? i suppose so, because if it was the past me i would've still been in bed, sleeping, trying to cover up the issue. today i actually got up, took on cleaning my room somemore and hopefully soon ill get out and see some friends. i guess progress is being made, i just dont recognize it.
i wish today was just over. i wish that it was easier. and i didnt have to think about all this. this is interrupting my life and i dont like it.
fuck this.
peace love and balance
today has sucked, royally. i hate today and what its done to my progress overall. it's brought me back to a place a month ago that i dont like. its filled with anxiety, its dark and i hate it. id rather feel mania than what im feeling now. i think this is my dip into the cycle of depression. let the fun begin. im using all the tricks in my arsenal that i have to save this day and get into a better mood. all those DBT skills four winds is teaching me. but i dunno if its getting any better? i suppose so, because if it was the past me i would've still been in bed, sleeping, trying to cover up the issue. today i actually got up, took on cleaning my room somemore and hopefully soon ill get out and see some friends. i guess progress is being made, i just dont recognize it.
i wish today was just over. i wish that it was easier. and i didnt have to think about all this. this is interrupting my life and i dont like it.
fuck this.
peace love and balance
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
quick and easy
so, this will hopefully be my shortest entry yet. but i make no promises. i just had an appt today at four winds to try and figure out what the hell im doing there. i guess im doing partial outpatient. this means for 3 days a week, from 11:45-4 i'll be at four winds, in group or working with a personal therapist. i hit the lottery huh? im actually really excited to be doing this. not only because it's something new, but because its for myself. kind of sucks that my first impression was being 25 minutes late for my visit evaluation. i guess i really need that gps.
so, since im hungry and want breakfast, i leave you here. my current schedule is gonna be all over the place so if you want to hang out or chill, just try to get a hold of me. next few weeks will be interesting. and hopefully after all of this is over with, ill be moving in with marie til the end of summer<3
until next time, which I'll write about my adventures tomorrow..
peace love and balance
so, since im hungry and want breakfast, i leave you here. my current schedule is gonna be all over the place so if you want to hang out or chill, just try to get a hold of me. next few weeks will be interesting. and hopefully after all of this is over with, ill be moving in with marie til the end of summer<3
until next time, which I'll write about my adventures tomorrow..
peace love and balance
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
recovering
hey all. so i kinda realized i hadn't posted in a while. and felt bad. my life's just been kind of crazy lately and haven't had the time to post, or the internet access to do so.
sooo, this is just a quick entry before i hit the hay. thank you meds for helping me pass out. i would just like to thank everyone for reading, all of my friends for being amazing and being there for me and also my family and therapist. i couldn't do any of this without you. you make life bearable and much more enjoyable.. i'd also like to thank my meds. i've always been against them, but the fact remains that they are helping me at the present moment and i couldnt be more thankful and trying to help myself in bettering my mental health. it is a slow process, but i think sticking to taking my meds every day is a step in the right direction.
and it is paying off. anti-anxiety meds mellow out my moods every single day to the point where i can function and actually excel and live.. as opposed to just struggling to get by. everyday shouldn't suck, everyday shouldn't be the struggle it has been. i want to enjoy everyday. i want to enjoy my friends. i want to enjoy my work and my coworkers. i do, but when my anxiety flares it prevents me from doing so. it's the saddest thing and makes me want to cry.. i want to be the best person i can be, and the best lauren i can be.. so if it means to sticking to meds, then i will. if it means truly helping myself for the first time, then i will. if it means actually making it back to school, doing well and succeeding in my schoolwork and social life, then i will do everything in my power to make this happen.
everything was a joke before. i never took any of this seriously. i saw myself as different from everyone else so i treated myself like that. i let myself get away with things i shouldn't have. and im paying for this. in recovering im also discovering bad habits, bad patterns, fuckups, hidden stereotypes, etc. but i think in time, once im settled, im better and i can function as a healthy individual, i can then address those concerns. right now its getting back on track, so work and saving money, spending time with family and friends, having a kickass summer, get my head on straight and making it back to school. im not a fucking quitter.. and im not about to let anxiety make me avoid school. i love st. lawrence and everyone there, and the fact that my anxiety made me unhappy to be there and around people was the worst thing in the world.. i hope going back i can truly enjoy myself, school work and my amazing friends.
the best part about this journey is nothing is set in stone. i thought that anxiety was a permanent fixture in my life. it RUINED my life for over a year. it made me into someone i wasn't. someone i didnt like. someone who barely spoke, who wasn't herself and didnt enjoy life and what it had to offer. the fact that i AM dealing with my anxiety in a healthy way and i can manage my life and function is such a huge step for me. the fact i dont have to worry all the time, i dont have to focus on the small things, i have some aid in helping me do things that drove me up the wall before. the anxiety may rise in my chest, but the meds and self-talk push it back down. it's so beautiful i could cry. i know no one probably understands exactly how i feel or what im talking about, but the fact that i think life is turning around is amazing. a few weeks ago i would've said, what? never.. this misery ive been dealing with is permanent. fuck that. im not spending 80 years miserable around people i used to enjoy and people i love.
this was supposed to be a tiny post! but i ended writing a ton. and im glad... i had a ton to say. ive had a lot on my mind. and a lot of feelings. now that im not feeling overwhelming anxiety, im feeling so much and its amazing. i could cry for joy, and i will. but maybe when im in bed.. lol
i would just like to end with: i can enjoy things again. im actually living life. instead of sliding by and not even living my life, im an active participant in it and enjoying it. the fact i legit say im HAPPY and i LOOK FORWARD TO THINGS is amazing. when all i could do before was dread things and feel anxious for them to come at me. all i can say, i hope things go up from here, i hope that this has been the learning experience of a lifetime and that i can continue to enjoy my life because thats what its all about.. living a life worth living and being happy. it's a slow process as i said, but i'm on my way finally!!! and sure, there will be dips.. there will be bumps along the road, but im confident that im on the right path.
this weekend alone was proof of that and was the best thing for me. ill get into it in another post, since ive been writing like a madwoman, but its a good cure. my anxiety peaked at times.. fucking tons of people at graduation. but being tested around people, especially people i love, who are sometimes the worst to be around for my anxiety, was the best thing that could've happened. i wasn't 100% but i did it and im glad i did. i surpassed my expectations, had a good time and saw some people that i absolutely love. but more on that laaater.. and probably randa's b-day. that was a good day too :)
yeah, sorry for rambling! but at least its something to read. more later.
peace love and balance
sooo, this is just a quick entry before i hit the hay. thank you meds for helping me pass out. i would just like to thank everyone for reading, all of my friends for being amazing and being there for me and also my family and therapist. i couldn't do any of this without you. you make life bearable and much more enjoyable.. i'd also like to thank my meds. i've always been against them, but the fact remains that they are helping me at the present moment and i couldnt be more thankful and trying to help myself in bettering my mental health. it is a slow process, but i think sticking to taking my meds every day is a step in the right direction.
and it is paying off. anti-anxiety meds mellow out my moods every single day to the point where i can function and actually excel and live.. as opposed to just struggling to get by. everyday shouldn't suck, everyday shouldn't be the struggle it has been. i want to enjoy everyday. i want to enjoy my friends. i want to enjoy my work and my coworkers. i do, but when my anxiety flares it prevents me from doing so. it's the saddest thing and makes me want to cry.. i want to be the best person i can be, and the best lauren i can be.. so if it means to sticking to meds, then i will. if it means truly helping myself for the first time, then i will. if it means actually making it back to school, doing well and succeeding in my schoolwork and social life, then i will do everything in my power to make this happen.
everything was a joke before. i never took any of this seriously. i saw myself as different from everyone else so i treated myself like that. i let myself get away with things i shouldn't have. and im paying for this. in recovering im also discovering bad habits, bad patterns, fuckups, hidden stereotypes, etc. but i think in time, once im settled, im better and i can function as a healthy individual, i can then address those concerns. right now its getting back on track, so work and saving money, spending time with family and friends, having a kickass summer, get my head on straight and making it back to school. im not a fucking quitter.. and im not about to let anxiety make me avoid school. i love st. lawrence and everyone there, and the fact that my anxiety made me unhappy to be there and around people was the worst thing in the world.. i hope going back i can truly enjoy myself, school work and my amazing friends.
the best part about this journey is nothing is set in stone. i thought that anxiety was a permanent fixture in my life. it RUINED my life for over a year. it made me into someone i wasn't. someone i didnt like. someone who barely spoke, who wasn't herself and didnt enjoy life and what it had to offer. the fact that i AM dealing with my anxiety in a healthy way and i can manage my life and function is such a huge step for me. the fact i dont have to worry all the time, i dont have to focus on the small things, i have some aid in helping me do things that drove me up the wall before. the anxiety may rise in my chest, but the meds and self-talk push it back down. it's so beautiful i could cry. i know no one probably understands exactly how i feel or what im talking about, but the fact that i think life is turning around is amazing. a few weeks ago i would've said, what? never.. this misery ive been dealing with is permanent. fuck that. im not spending 80 years miserable around people i used to enjoy and people i love.
this was supposed to be a tiny post! but i ended writing a ton. and im glad... i had a ton to say. ive had a lot on my mind. and a lot of feelings. now that im not feeling overwhelming anxiety, im feeling so much and its amazing. i could cry for joy, and i will. but maybe when im in bed.. lol
i would just like to end with: i can enjoy things again. im actually living life. instead of sliding by and not even living my life, im an active participant in it and enjoying it. the fact i legit say im HAPPY and i LOOK FORWARD TO THINGS is amazing. when all i could do before was dread things and feel anxious for them to come at me. all i can say, i hope things go up from here, i hope that this has been the learning experience of a lifetime and that i can continue to enjoy my life because thats what its all about.. living a life worth living and being happy. it's a slow process as i said, but i'm on my way finally!!! and sure, there will be dips.. there will be bumps along the road, but im confident that im on the right path.
this weekend alone was proof of that and was the best thing for me. ill get into it in another post, since ive been writing like a madwoman, but its a good cure. my anxiety peaked at times.. fucking tons of people at graduation. but being tested around people, especially people i love, who are sometimes the worst to be around for my anxiety, was the best thing that could've happened. i wasn't 100% but i did it and im glad i did. i surpassed my expectations, had a good time and saw some people that i absolutely love. but more on that laaater.. and probably randa's b-day. that was a good day too :)
yeah, sorry for rambling! but at least its something to read. more later.
peace love and balance
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
the problem with happiness
i think im having issues for a number of reasons. i dont feel like im doing something meaningful. when i was at st.lawrence i was totally immersed in school and felt good getting amazing grades. i also did volunteer work there, worked and chilled with friends. i actually felt like i was doing something, like i was moving forward in life.
right now i feel really stagnant, and i think this is what is contributing to my misery. im just doing the same things over and over again. sure, i have new friends but i feel like im lacking in the bigger picture. i wanna do something bigger than me, i dont want my anxiety to hold me back like it has been for the past year. i dont want any further fear to keep me from doing stuff i love.
i think i need to do something meaningful. it'll help to keep holding onto something thats outside myself that i'm helping to make better. whether this is volunteering with kids, which is what i wanna do or something! anything. im just so sick of my place in the world. i cant wait for double h. i would like to be a counselor there this summer.. and i hope i can make this happen. i also think going to rochester will help. it will suck leaving people behind for a while. but i need change and being surrounded by my family in a familiar, yet still new, setting will help. it'll motivate to get a new job and not sit around, surround myself with people i love and go out and meet new people on my own. i just wanna make this all worth it, ya know?
i refuse to wallow in my own misery. i've got to do something about it. four winds, and then im off.
peace love and balance
right now i feel really stagnant, and i think this is what is contributing to my misery. im just doing the same things over and over again. sure, i have new friends but i feel like im lacking in the bigger picture. i wanna do something bigger than me, i dont want my anxiety to hold me back like it has been for the past year. i dont want any further fear to keep me from doing stuff i love.
i think i need to do something meaningful. it'll help to keep holding onto something thats outside myself that i'm helping to make better. whether this is volunteering with kids, which is what i wanna do or something! anything. im just so sick of my place in the world. i cant wait for double h. i would like to be a counselor there this summer.. and i hope i can make this happen. i also think going to rochester will help. it will suck leaving people behind for a while. but i need change and being surrounded by my family in a familiar, yet still new, setting will help. it'll motivate to get a new job and not sit around, surround myself with people i love and go out and meet new people on my own. i just wanna make this all worth it, ya know?
i refuse to wallow in my own misery. i've got to do something about it. four winds, and then im off.
peace love and balance
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
going along
so ive started and restarted this entry a dozen times. not knowing how to begin and not knowing what to say. i kinda hit writer's block sometimes. its not that i dont know what to say, its i dont know how to say it. i guess i just need to hit that writer's high and then im good.
another welcome to all my readers! or lack there of. i appreciate you sticking with me and reading about my journey through the hell that seems to be my life sometimes. i originally planned on writing in this every night just to get out the day's feelings and thoughts. but as you've seen, i forget. or sometimes i just feel like i cant write. once i get going tho... boy, keep me away. i dont think i could stop. so hopefully ill post as often as i can and i dont bore anyone too much. im sure as my life gets better in terms of mental health and stress, that ill be writing less frequently. thats a good thing, right?
so i guess i forgot something. i was on such a high last time i wrote that i forgot with the good comes the bad. i was so euphoric and on top of the world that i forgot some days aren't so good. i guess this is an important thing to keep in mind regarding life and my mental health in general. otherwise ill just feel like a screwup everytime i have an awful day.
this day hasn't been bad though, it's simply there. i guess in my boredom ive deemed it an awful day. ive just gotten so used to being busy, busy all the time and doing things. i like having a full schedule. its dealing with the anxiety this creates that's the problem. and then if im not busy i feel useless and like im doing something wrong. i really need to strike a good balance between over-the-top stressed and bum-who-lays-in-bed. i need to work on that.
i am proud though. im taking my meds, as much as i may grumble as i do it. i did get up and i went to work. i didnt want to and didnt feel like it, but i went anyways. thats what matters, right? i also made two important phone calls and set up appts. its kinda funny how you grow up without realizing it, become an adult and then one day it hits you. just weird i guess when you realize you're doing the things your mom used to do for it. besides clean your diaper..
so, i guess the moral of this story is: every day is different and because i have one slow or bad day, doesn't mean im off track or that my life sucks. i just need to go with the flow and let go of the dramatics.
i also feel like i was getting to something, but now i cant remember. damn short-term memory issues... ah, yeah! so for anyone who doesn't know, im thinking about putting myself into Four Winds. it's a mental health place and id plan on doing 6 weeks of in-patient work. that would mean 9-5 monday through friday mental health work that would be good for me, but also kill me in the process. the one thing i hate is talking about my mental health, so to be doing it all day for 6 weeks would be torture. but it is something i need. they'd teach me the skills i need to cope with the conditions life have given me. so i guess my issue is trying to schedule work and my social life around this program. i would either start now and would have to bail on work or id start at the beginning of june. im searching for the answer, but im coming up blank. on one hand i need to do this and soon, for my sake, but on the other hand i feel bad copping out of work when i finally feel steady and stable enough to make good on my promise through the end of may. its just frustrating and its a tough decision i need to make.
theres also the decision of what im doing with the rest of my summer! whether its living with marie in rochester and getting a job out there or staying here and working still.. but thats a discussion for another entry. my hands already feel like they'll fall off and my quesadilla is getting cold
maybe ill write later if im in the mood? now time to read
peace love and balance
another welcome to all my readers! or lack there of. i appreciate you sticking with me and reading about my journey through the hell that seems to be my life sometimes. i originally planned on writing in this every night just to get out the day's feelings and thoughts. but as you've seen, i forget. or sometimes i just feel like i cant write. once i get going tho... boy, keep me away. i dont think i could stop. so hopefully ill post as often as i can and i dont bore anyone too much. im sure as my life gets better in terms of mental health and stress, that ill be writing less frequently. thats a good thing, right?
so i guess i forgot something. i was on such a high last time i wrote that i forgot with the good comes the bad. i was so euphoric and on top of the world that i forgot some days aren't so good. i guess this is an important thing to keep in mind regarding life and my mental health in general. otherwise ill just feel like a screwup everytime i have an awful day.
this day hasn't been bad though, it's simply there. i guess in my boredom ive deemed it an awful day. ive just gotten so used to being busy, busy all the time and doing things. i like having a full schedule. its dealing with the anxiety this creates that's the problem. and then if im not busy i feel useless and like im doing something wrong. i really need to strike a good balance between over-the-top stressed and bum-who-lays-in-bed. i need to work on that.
i am proud though. im taking my meds, as much as i may grumble as i do it. i did get up and i went to work. i didnt want to and didnt feel like it, but i went anyways. thats what matters, right? i also made two important phone calls and set up appts. its kinda funny how you grow up without realizing it, become an adult and then one day it hits you. just weird i guess when you realize you're doing the things your mom used to do for it. besides clean your diaper..
so, i guess the moral of this story is: every day is different and because i have one slow or bad day, doesn't mean im off track or that my life sucks. i just need to go with the flow and let go of the dramatics.
i also feel like i was getting to something, but now i cant remember. damn short-term memory issues... ah, yeah! so for anyone who doesn't know, im thinking about putting myself into Four Winds. it's a mental health place and id plan on doing 6 weeks of in-patient work. that would mean 9-5 monday through friday mental health work that would be good for me, but also kill me in the process. the one thing i hate is talking about my mental health, so to be doing it all day for 6 weeks would be torture. but it is something i need. they'd teach me the skills i need to cope with the conditions life have given me. so i guess my issue is trying to schedule work and my social life around this program. i would either start now and would have to bail on work or id start at the beginning of june. im searching for the answer, but im coming up blank. on one hand i need to do this and soon, for my sake, but on the other hand i feel bad copping out of work when i finally feel steady and stable enough to make good on my promise through the end of may. its just frustrating and its a tough decision i need to make.
theres also the decision of what im doing with the rest of my summer! whether its living with marie in rochester and getting a job out there or staying here and working still.. but thats a discussion for another entry. my hands already feel like they'll fall off and my quesadilla is getting cold
maybe ill write later if im in the mood? now time to read
peace love and balance
Sunday, May 9, 2010
the beginning
so this is my new blog. it's for me and for everyone or anyone who wants to follow me through my journey of anxiety and depression. mainly it's for me to voice myself, my worries, my thoughts, my opinions and also the status and update of my once deteriorating mental health... which i do hope is back on track. so join me if you want. like i said, this is most definitely for my friends as well. i welcome them to read this as i know im not always the most forth-coming person and don't always say whats on my mind or how im feeling... hopefully some of this will clear that up and i can better express myself and how i feel. i dont want to leave you guys out of the dark any longer. you know, funny as it is, it feels much better having the support and having people know.. when before it all seemed like a secret and i wanted it to be that way. it's much easier this way... funny how that happens.
but anywho... welcome! please please stay with me. and i hope i don't forget about this and keep updating. i have the awful habit of forgetting to write in these things after the first entry.. motivation people, motivation! maybe post-its would help.. but yeah, i'll eventually get around to writing down my entire history with my depression and anxiety, but for now it's a welcome... and just a general post on how i'm feeling at the very moment.
life is fucking terrific. i forgot how wonderful it can feel to be alive, to breathe air, to have great friends and family and to actually ENJOY. to be happy, to have feelings, to feel free yet again. it's so nice and such a heavy weight off my chest. not to feel so restricted anymore, not feel so coiled up and ready to boil over. it's just so nice to breathe.
i guess it's kinda hard to describe the feeling without knowing it yourself. it's like feeling stuck underwater for months and months and suddenly emerging and drawing your first breath. it's beautiful and feels so good you could cry. for the first time in over a year or so i feel like i can breathe, i feel like im living and thriving... instead of "functioning" or just getting by. anxiety will do that to you... it kills you. it kills your motivation, your feelings, your life, your goals, everything you're striven for. i gave a fuck about nothing because nothing felt good anymore, nothing made me happy, i didn't enjoy ANYTHING. but now that everything's beautiful and i can laugh and smile, life is terrific.
i'm not one to advertise drugs. and i don't want to speak so soon... but antianxiety meds are saving my life. they're a beautiful thing. i hate meds and hate taking them. but they are giving me a second chance. instead of coiled up inside my chest, i feel free, motivated, happy and wanting to really live and experience things. i want to make new friends, enjoy the ones i have now, love my family, get a great boyfriend and just fucking breathe. enjoying a nice sunset is cool too. anywaysss.
im really a sap and not to be overdramatic, but thats how im feeling. kinda like a rebirth of sorts. it takes you to hell and back to get to a better place, to know where you're going and to find out who you are. and you know, it has sucked, but i'm kinda glad i got to go there... here's to never going back! and pushing on
peace love and balance
but anywho... welcome! please please stay with me. and i hope i don't forget about this and keep updating. i have the awful habit of forgetting to write in these things after the first entry.. motivation people, motivation! maybe post-its would help.. but yeah, i'll eventually get around to writing down my entire history with my depression and anxiety, but for now it's a welcome... and just a general post on how i'm feeling at the very moment.
life is fucking terrific. i forgot how wonderful it can feel to be alive, to breathe air, to have great friends and family and to actually ENJOY. to be happy, to have feelings, to feel free yet again. it's so nice and such a heavy weight off my chest. not to feel so restricted anymore, not feel so coiled up and ready to boil over. it's just so nice to breathe.
i guess it's kinda hard to describe the feeling without knowing it yourself. it's like feeling stuck underwater for months and months and suddenly emerging and drawing your first breath. it's beautiful and feels so good you could cry. for the first time in over a year or so i feel like i can breathe, i feel like im living and thriving... instead of "functioning" or just getting by. anxiety will do that to you... it kills you. it kills your motivation, your feelings, your life, your goals, everything you're striven for. i gave a fuck about nothing because nothing felt good anymore, nothing made me happy, i didn't enjoy ANYTHING. but now that everything's beautiful and i can laugh and smile, life is terrific.
i'm not one to advertise drugs. and i don't want to speak so soon... but antianxiety meds are saving my life. they're a beautiful thing. i hate meds and hate taking them. but they are giving me a second chance. instead of coiled up inside my chest, i feel free, motivated, happy and wanting to really live and experience things. i want to make new friends, enjoy the ones i have now, love my family, get a great boyfriend and just fucking breathe. enjoying a nice sunset is cool too. anywaysss.
im really a sap and not to be overdramatic, but thats how im feeling. kinda like a rebirth of sorts. it takes you to hell and back to get to a better place, to know where you're going and to find out who you are. and you know, it has sucked, but i'm kinda glad i got to go there... here's to never going back! and pushing on
peace love and balance
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